People In Fat Bodies—Story Time

<<<<<See this young woman? This is a picture of me when I was my thinnest during my adult years (18-present). I'm 5'8" and, at the time, weighed 180 lbs. I was not happy with my body and I treated it terribly. I worked out 4-5 hours a day—no joke. It's a good thing I'm relatively smart because I spent more time in the gym than studying during college. I also limited myself to a strict 1200 calories per day or less. I was convinced this would help me attain the "thin and beautiful" body I wanted.

Spoilers: It did not. What it DID do was make me tired, sickly, and miserable.

I didn't know a lot about nutrition, metabolism, or how bodies burned fat and/or muscle at that point. What I did know was that every time I went to the doctor, they spent A LOT of time talking at me about my BMI and my obesity. When I (year after fucking year) explained that I was basically in a calorie deficit 90% of the time, got lots of exercise, and was trying to eat healthy foods (which changed a lot because what was considered healthy in the 90's and what is considered healthy now are very different) they usually gave be the yeah-right-sure-you-are sideeye. So sometime in my late 20's, I stopped talking to my doctors about my weight. When they brought it up, I would deflect or clam up. I knew they wouldn't believe me so I figured, why bother? It wasn't worth the peace I was working on having with my body to get into it all over again.

This MO was working out pretty well--and I won't even go into the OBGYN who said I'd never get pregnant because I was too fat--until I hit 50. I was still living most of my life in a calorie deficit, I know more about nutrition than I ever thought I would, and I'm still more active than most of the folks I know outside of runners. But . . . all was not well in my fat body. Over the years (thanks perimenopause and menopause--you bitches), my weight creeped up, my A1C creeped up, and--most recently--my blood pressure has been taking a walk on the high side. So. . . I decided I'd have another go at talking to my PCP about what steps I can and should take to remedy these issues. Would I be able to do so through lifestyle and dietary changes alone? Would I need pharmaceutical intervention? What would be a good plan?

Friends: I had NO idea how completely triggering the whole conversation would be for me. As I was talking to my PCP, she very kindly said, "Well, you know, it's all about calories in and calories out. You need to aim for a calorie deficit. Maybe you aren't aware of how much you are reallly eating." When I say that went over like a lead balloon, I'm definitely understating my reaction. At this point, I pulled out my phone and brought up my MyFitnessPal app. I showed it to my Dr. and said, "Do you mean, something like this?" and proceeded to give her a piece of my mind along with my nutritional receipts. (I should mention here that I did message her and apologize a couple of days later. I know she was not speaking from a place of meanness or condescension--at least--that's what I'm going to believe.)

Here's the thing though, if you are running around in a fat body, people make A LOT of assumptions about you on a regular basis. They assume you are sitting at home eating your face off all the time. They assume you are eating a very unhealthy diet. They assume you sit on your rear and do nothing. All of this because if you are a fat person you MUST be: lazy, unmotivated, lacking willpower, and doing every unhealthy habit on the planet. That might be true for some people but that also might NOT be true and, unless you live with the fat person, you have no way of knowing. Those assumptions are often wrong, misplaced, and based upon a set of internal biases we've all been brought up with because if a person is fat, they must have a moral failing of some sort.

I'm here to tell you all that living with a fat body is, at times, fucking exhausting. Not because I'm hauling around extra weight but because I'm dealing with those biases way too frequently. Outside of the she-must-eat-a-metric-ton-every-day stereotype, I've found that people expect those of us who are fat to be funny and jolly All. The. Time. which is a ridiculous expectation (especially if you know me). They expect us to be "less" at the same time. It's as if we should shrink our essence to balance taking more physical space. There are so many small ways that people in fat bodies are overlooked, underestimated, and disregarded that some folks have written whole books on the subject. Another thing that I've noticed is that there is this undercurrent idea (I'm looking at you insurance, medical, and fitness people) that fat folks need to be "punished" for their perceived moral failings in the body composition arena. Why? Why aren't the very people who should care about a person's well-being more receptive to actually helping them? I honestly don't know.

Here's what I do know and what I can tell you about this >

fat body:

1. I still live in a calorie deficit about 90% of the time. I DO NOT count calories when I'm on vacation. I DO, very infrequently, have something that would be considered unhealthy - like a slice of birthday pie. If that makes me morally reprehensible, so be it.

2. I move. A LOT. I don't run because bears are not chasing me and my knees would be very sad but I curl, bike, disc golf, hike, lift weights (when I'm up for the inevitable sideeye from the muscley people), and various other activities.

3. If I had to describe my diet (thanks to my brother for this one) I'd say I'm 90% vegetarian 90% of the time. I spend a ridiculous amount of time trying to make sure I get enough protien because I don't eat much meat and I loathe beans.

4. I'm still 5'8" despite the nurse claiming I'm 1/2" taller than that. Today, however, I weigh just under 300#. Yup. You read that right. See above. Yeah, I don't understand it either.

5. I've recently started taking a GLP-1 that, yes, I'm paying for out of pocket (see comment on fat people being punished for being fat). It has helped a lot with my A1C and I'm very happy about that. I haven't lost weight in a lightening fast fashion like some folks do. I'm fine with that also.

6. I have a vicious sweet tooth that I have been engaged in an epic battle with for the past 2 years. This was NOT a thing in my past. I generally avoid sugar - with the exception of my coffee creamer. My Dr. says I should think about cutting that out. Honestly, I don't think two tablespoons of creamer each day is making me fat.

7. I drink a ridiculous amount of water. Partially because I know I should and partially because I'm prone to kidney stones so. . . I'm not giving those little fuckers any bonus chances of forming.

8. I have zero problem saying I'm fat or that I have a fat body. Other people, however, are very uncomfortable with this statement. I wonder about that.

There you have it. Why am I posting this? Well, I'm hoping that the people who read it will try to work on whatever internal biases they have as pertains to people in fat bodies. My story isn't every story but, unless someone tells you what's what, you don't really know. I'm thinking it's best to assume we fat people are living our lives with varying degress of happiness (or distress) about our bodies and no one needs to add their take on our lived realities. We DO dress ourselves every morning after all.